It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
should my penis look like a turkey
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
