So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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