I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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