I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Randomize
