I cockslap morals
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
