im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
