no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
