Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
