Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize