Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
