Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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