I accidentally had phone sex last night
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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