i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
