We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
