I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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