Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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