before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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