And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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