I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
