Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
