If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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