My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
