**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you will always have a special place in my vag
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
