Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
