i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
What a dumb baby whore.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
