literally had 100 drinks last night.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
