How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm always down for nudity.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
