Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
