Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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