Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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