im six kinds of drunk right now
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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