Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
