Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
