you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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