I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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