I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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