Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
