I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
