cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
