he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
