my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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