the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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