He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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