After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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