I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
