I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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