Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Found your dick twin last night
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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