Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
