So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
are you so shy because you have an std?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize