Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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