Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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