tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
