Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
