found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Randomize
