Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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