i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
