Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
