Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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