This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Can I color on your dick again?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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