Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
