You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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