I like my sex mixed with concussions.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
